AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I want to scream until I'm hoarse. I want to hit things until I bleed. And most of all I want to reach through my skull and pull out this THING that is eating its way through my brain.

When I say I hate my life, I am not exaggerating one iota. I am completely and utterly miserable and I see no way out and no way up. 3 years now, and there is absolutely no reason to believe I am ever going to be "better".
I am finding it really hard to accept that I have to be okay with not being okay.
I am a burden to my friends; i can't go places without having to leave early, being drugged up, or both.
I end up doing the bare minimum to get by because that is the maximum I am physically capable of doing. And I hate it. So much.
I feel utterly alone. I write this on an online blog that no one but me reads because there is no one I can say this out loud to without feeling guilty for putting this on them.
Some, like my mom, will give suggestions about drugs, herbs therapies, blah blah blah, because they feel sorry and want to help, but I can't take that any more. 3 fucking years I've had this and I've tried so many drugs, so many therapies, only to be disappointed. Every time, I get my hopes up that THIS TIME will be different. THIS TIME it will work. THIS doctor/therapist/other specialist knows what he/she is doing. Then, the next bad day I have, it practically kills me. The physical pain of that day is second only to the hurt of knowing that once again that I haven't found a cure or even an answer.
3 years and all I've got is a diagnosis of exclusion
3 years and I hate going to bed at night knowing that tomorrow will be more of the same.
Lately, i have not been able to make it a single day without having to stop what I'm doing and lie down.
I hate my life. I am miserable. never in my life have I wished so much that I could simply disappear.
I want to cease to exist.
I am not living my life, I am tolerating it.