So now a fourth school has given an outright "no."
Okay, I'm feeling bitter and on edge waiting and hoping for interview invitations and getting these rejection letters instead.
I got a form letter today that starts out "I am writing to share what I believe will be disappointing news."
No, duh.
I suppose it's preferable to "HAHA, you suck!," but as a recipient of such letters I can tell you all I see is the word "no." I'm perfectly well aware it's a form letter, and I certainly don't expect any med school to send out personalized rejections to thousands of hopeful candidates. However, having a short paragraph on how much my effort in compiling the application and how your school can accept "a frustratingly small proportion" of candidates really doesn't soften the blow of what is essentially a big, fat NO on official stationery.
The end of the season is this spring - the very last decisions to be announced in May, and it might take that long before I really have an answer. it's the waiting I cannot stand. I am stuck in between. There is nothing to prepare for, I have only to hope that the next email I get is good news and not another NO stuck in polite diction. I cannot bury myself in a job I do not have or plan for a career that is entirely up in the air.
So here I am, stuck in between.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Sociopathy as displayed by the protagonist in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight
Perhaps having read The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout makes me particularly inclined to look for sociopath behavior in characters, but while reading Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight, I have come to the conclusion, whether intentioned or not – Bella is a sociopath.
According to Dr. Stout’s book, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder is more common that we might think (approximately ~4% of people) and isn’t solely characterized by the serial killers we usually associate with psychopathy. Pathological lying, seeking pity, lack of remorse, impulsiveness or need for stimulation, and shallow emotions are all characteristics of a sociopath and are all demonstrated by Bella.
From the beginning, Bella shamelessly lies to both parents for little or no reason, Bella lies quickly and easily to her mother about how she really feels about living in Forks. One could presume she is trying to spare her mother guilt for sending her away, yet it was Bella who made the decision to move and Renee made it perfectly clear she would have no problem spending time with both Phil and Bella, so the decision to lie is incomprehensible. Bella also lies repeatedly to her father about where she is going and with whom. She admits she does not know her father too well, so she has no reason to believe he would have a problem with her going with her friends, dating, or having a boyfriend. Indeed, when she does introduce Edward to her father, he is worried, but receptive, and certainly not angry. While lying to her dad about where she’ll be on Saturday, she even happily remarks how the lies “came more naturally than usual” as if lying was already second nature to her and lying easily was an extra delight.
Secretiveness, (vampire talk notwithstanding) and pathological lying mark her as a sociopath, as does her complete lack of remorse for doing so. She demonstrates her shamelessness and cruelty in other ways, though the narrative occasionally implies guilt or emotion, her actions do not corroborate these claims. In the entire novel, though she demonstrates nothing but contempt for her “friends.” She says she feels guilt – there is a “twinge of guilt” when Mike is no longer sitting next to her, and guilt over manipulating Jacob and deceiving her father. But in this, she is an unreliable narrator, for her actions belie he supposed guilt. Though Mike is friendly she shows nothing but outward contempt for him, not to mention her other schoolmates. She regards them coldly and wishes they would leave her alone, and her twinge of guilt comes off as an attempt to appease the reader for the callous treatment of her classmates who are only trying to be friendly. She manipulates Jacob without a second thought to get information on the Cullens, so her guilt is doubtful there as well. Her repeated deception of her dad about Edward for little or no reason belies her “guilt” in not telling him about where she really plans to go. She uses the word, but seems to have little concept of its meaning. A person who truly felt guilt would not have had reason to lie and deceive in the first place. . Like other sociopaths, Bella appears outwardly charming, which can be the only explanation that Mike, Tyler, and the others continue to consider themselves her friends despite her cruel thoughts and intentions
Amid the lying and secretiveness, Bella seems to be suffering from damsel-in-distress syndrome. Thrill seeking is common for sociopaths, due to boredom driving a need for stimulation. For someone as clumsy and helpless as she is, she certainly finds herself in an alarmingly high number of stupid and dangerous situations, which Edward comments on her predisposition to be a “trouble magnet.” She finds herself rescued from a car crash fairly early on, and it seems she almost intentionally set herself up to have him rescue her again. Instead of staying with her “friends,” Jessica and Angela, she wanders off alone, at night, in Port Angeles, a place she has never been before. When she finds herself in trouble, instead of drawing attention or calling for help, she gets herself further lost and trapped, needing to be rescued once again by Edward. Having already made sure that he was there- she saw his Volvo nearby earlier, she proceeded to do precisely the things to get into trouble and needing him to rescue her again. To a sociopath, such a blinding moment of panic is a rush. Once rescued, she is briefly hoarse, but then apparently miraculously recovers with no trauma, never to mention the incident again. Once she knows Edward is a vampire she stays with him as much as she can – the fear generated by being near someone- something so dangerous, probably the strongest emotional attachment she’s ever felt- fuelling an obsession, which she then labels “love.” ‘Flying’ with him, being near someone who drinks blood when she has a blood and needle phobia is the ultimate stimulation to someone who is as emotionally stunted as a sociopath.
As a sociopath, Bella has very shallow emotions. Her callousness toward her classmates is a symptom of that. This is taken to an extreme by her irritation at Tyler. She suggests she should try to hit him with her own truck rather than go to prom with him – endanger his life to ‘pay him back.’ This may be said in jest, but death threats are hardly called for when she could just talk to Tyler and say no thanks. Instead, she voices her contempt of him to Jessica and Angela and repeats the quip to Edward. Her attachment to her parents is shallow as well. Her move to Forks seems to be motivated by her attempt to get pity from her mother for neglecting her in favor of Phil. She lies to her mother, but only enough that her “suffering” shows through that her mother feels obligated to call and make sure everything is all right. Bella is distant enough from her father that she thinks of him as “Charlie” rather than dad. This can be forgiven considering that she does not know him that well, however it stands out in other ways. If she moved to Washington to get to know him better rather than to manipulate her mother, why does she makes no attempts to bond with her father? Instead, throughout the novel, he seems to function more as a roommate to whom she is compelled to lie. Toward the end, her trip to the dance studio might seem an act of compassion in attempt to rescue her mother. However, when looked at more closely, it is another thrill-seeking adventure rather than an act of love or desperation. She has no reason to take James’s word that he’ll let her mother go if she comes alone, and James has no way o knowing that she told anyone about the con. Had she truly been concerned for her mother, she would have told the Cullens and planned an escape for both of them. Instead she makes plans to meet up with a violent vampire that wants to kill her, and had he actually kidnapped her mother, would have no compunctions about killing the two of them. Whether it was luck of Alice’s foresight, or the Cullens were counting on Bella’s thrill seeking nature, she is rescued, and then gets to be an object of pity again, thanks to her injuries.
The only emotions Bella has are told rather than shown. The reader has no basis to believe Bella ‘loves’ Edward. We get a poetic description of his beauty, but what do they have in common? What basis is there besides her supposedly intoxicating scent and his looks? Her passion for Edward is as shallow as he connections with her family and other “friends.” She cares not for him, only for that sense of thrill from danger where she otherwise, like all sociopaths, feels nothing towards them. Even Edward falls for the ‘pity me’ act, saying, “ I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you’re wiling to let on.” Perhaps the shallowness and emptiness of sociopathy is exactly the reason Edward is unable to read Bella’s thoughts. The juxtaposition of his outward coldness and Bella’s inward coldness is a striking one. We are repeatedly told of her comfort in Edward's cold arms and I find the epitome of her cold, emotionless state to be when she learns of Edwards past, um, indiscretions, she feels no horror and takes no pause to consider that he killed people. He may have repented and been welcomed back to Carlisle's fold, but she can learn of murder and not even blink. So, who here is the real monster? Her desire to be turned only strengthens this characterization.
You can agree or not, but this is what I get from the book, and I prefer it to the idea of a protagonist who is cruel and rather stupid. At least seeing Bella as a sociopath, I can understand her motivations and actions, though her thoughts about self-defense are unforgivable; (wandering alone at night aside, thinking about popping an eye out of the socket by hooking her finger around it is logistically and biologically inaccurate. Whoever taught her self-defense needs to be shot to keep him from teaching that crap ever again).
According to Dr. Stout’s book, sociopathy, or antisocial personality disorder is more common that we might think (approximately ~4% of people) and isn’t solely characterized by the serial killers we usually associate with psychopathy. Pathological lying, seeking pity, lack of remorse, impulsiveness or need for stimulation, and shallow emotions are all characteristics of a sociopath and are all demonstrated by Bella.
From the beginning, Bella shamelessly lies to both parents for little or no reason, Bella lies quickly and easily to her mother about how she really feels about living in Forks. One could presume she is trying to spare her mother guilt for sending her away, yet it was Bella who made the decision to move and Renee made it perfectly clear she would have no problem spending time with both Phil and Bella, so the decision to lie is incomprehensible. Bella also lies repeatedly to her father about where she is going and with whom. She admits she does not know her father too well, so she has no reason to believe he would have a problem with her going with her friends, dating, or having a boyfriend. Indeed, when she does introduce Edward to her father, he is worried, but receptive, and certainly not angry. While lying to her dad about where she’ll be on Saturday, she even happily remarks how the lies “came more naturally than usual” as if lying was already second nature to her and lying easily was an extra delight.
Secretiveness, (vampire talk notwithstanding) and pathological lying mark her as a sociopath, as does her complete lack of remorse for doing so. She demonstrates her shamelessness and cruelty in other ways, though the narrative occasionally implies guilt or emotion, her actions do not corroborate these claims. In the entire novel, though she demonstrates nothing but contempt for her “friends.” She says she feels guilt – there is a “twinge of guilt” when Mike is no longer sitting next to her, and guilt over manipulating Jacob and deceiving her father. But in this, she is an unreliable narrator, for her actions belie he supposed guilt. Though Mike is friendly she shows nothing but outward contempt for him, not to mention her other schoolmates. She regards them coldly and wishes they would leave her alone, and her twinge of guilt comes off as an attempt to appease the reader for the callous treatment of her classmates who are only trying to be friendly. She manipulates Jacob without a second thought to get information on the Cullens, so her guilt is doubtful there as well. Her repeated deception of her dad about Edward for little or no reason belies her “guilt” in not telling him about where she really plans to go. She uses the word, but seems to have little concept of its meaning. A person who truly felt guilt would not have had reason to lie and deceive in the first place. . Like other sociopaths, Bella appears outwardly charming, which can be the only explanation that Mike, Tyler, and the others continue to consider themselves her friends despite her cruel thoughts and intentions
Amid the lying and secretiveness, Bella seems to be suffering from damsel-in-distress syndrome. Thrill seeking is common for sociopaths, due to boredom driving a need for stimulation. For someone as clumsy and helpless as she is, she certainly finds herself in an alarmingly high number of stupid and dangerous situations, which Edward comments on her predisposition to be a “trouble magnet.” She finds herself rescued from a car crash fairly early on, and it seems she almost intentionally set herself up to have him rescue her again. Instead of staying with her “friends,” Jessica and Angela, she wanders off alone, at night, in Port Angeles, a place she has never been before. When she finds herself in trouble, instead of drawing attention or calling for help, she gets herself further lost and trapped, needing to be rescued once again by Edward. Having already made sure that he was there- she saw his Volvo nearby earlier, she proceeded to do precisely the things to get into trouble and needing him to rescue her again. To a sociopath, such a blinding moment of panic is a rush. Once rescued, she is briefly hoarse, but then apparently miraculously recovers with no trauma, never to mention the incident again. Once she knows Edward is a vampire she stays with him as much as she can – the fear generated by being near someone- something so dangerous, probably the strongest emotional attachment she’s ever felt- fuelling an obsession, which she then labels “love.” ‘Flying’ with him, being near someone who drinks blood when she has a blood and needle phobia is the ultimate stimulation to someone who is as emotionally stunted as a sociopath.
As a sociopath, Bella has very shallow emotions. Her callousness toward her classmates is a symptom of that. This is taken to an extreme by her irritation at Tyler. She suggests she should try to hit him with her own truck rather than go to prom with him – endanger his life to ‘pay him back.’ This may be said in jest, but death threats are hardly called for when she could just talk to Tyler and say no thanks. Instead, she voices her contempt of him to Jessica and Angela and repeats the quip to Edward. Her attachment to her parents is shallow as well. Her move to Forks seems to be motivated by her attempt to get pity from her mother for neglecting her in favor of Phil. She lies to her mother, but only enough that her “suffering” shows through that her mother feels obligated to call and make sure everything is all right. Bella is distant enough from her father that she thinks of him as “Charlie” rather than dad. This can be forgiven considering that she does not know him that well, however it stands out in other ways. If she moved to Washington to get to know him better rather than to manipulate her mother, why does she makes no attempts to bond with her father? Instead, throughout the novel, he seems to function more as a roommate to whom she is compelled to lie. Toward the end, her trip to the dance studio might seem an act of compassion in attempt to rescue her mother. However, when looked at more closely, it is another thrill-seeking adventure rather than an act of love or desperation. She has no reason to take James’s word that he’ll let her mother go if she comes alone, and James has no way o knowing that she told anyone about the con. Had she truly been concerned for her mother, she would have told the Cullens and planned an escape for both of them. Instead she makes plans to meet up with a violent vampire that wants to kill her, and had he actually kidnapped her mother, would have no compunctions about killing the two of them. Whether it was luck of Alice’s foresight, or the Cullens were counting on Bella’s thrill seeking nature, she is rescued, and then gets to be an object of pity again, thanks to her injuries.
The only emotions Bella has are told rather than shown. The reader has no basis to believe Bella ‘loves’ Edward. We get a poetic description of his beauty, but what do they have in common? What basis is there besides her supposedly intoxicating scent and his looks? Her passion for Edward is as shallow as he connections with her family and other “friends.” She cares not for him, only for that sense of thrill from danger where she otherwise, like all sociopaths, feels nothing towards them. Even Edward falls for the ‘pity me’ act, saying, “ I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you’re wiling to let on.” Perhaps the shallowness and emptiness of sociopathy is exactly the reason Edward is unable to read Bella’s thoughts. The juxtaposition of his outward coldness and Bella’s inward coldness is a striking one. We are repeatedly told of her comfort in Edward's cold arms and I find the epitome of her cold, emotionless state to be when she learns of Edwards past, um, indiscretions, she feels no horror and takes no pause to consider that he killed people. He may have repented and been welcomed back to Carlisle's fold, but she can learn of murder and not even blink. So, who here is the real monster? Her desire to be turned only strengthens this characterization.
You can agree or not, but this is what I get from the book, and I prefer it to the idea of a protagonist who is cruel and rather stupid. At least seeing Bella as a sociopath, I can understand her motivations and actions, though her thoughts about self-defense are unforgivable; (wandering alone at night aside, thinking about popping an eye out of the socket by hooking her finger around it is logistically and biologically inaccurate. Whoever taught her self-defense needs to be shot to keep him from teaching that crap ever again).
Disappointment
The waiting is nerve-wracking, but I discovered something far worse last week - getting answers.
Being on-hold certainly isn't the worst option in the world, but it certainly sucks. I'm back to square one again - waiting for interview invitations and having nothing really to look forward to.
I also found out test results from the neurologist. A perfectly normal MRI, and the bubble test just shows a tiny hole in my heart - no big deal, anyway...
WAIT, WHAT?
Yup, a patent foramen ovale. The right to left shunt for in utero circulation failed to close after I was born. So now, seratonin precursors, which are not supposed to end up going to the brain can sneak through the hole and end up in the brain, causing migraines.
Not to mention the pain caused by the pinched nerve thanks to a really screwed up jaw. Yup, that too.
Oh, the surgery, you ask?
Well, I can breathe better but I certainly don't feel any better, because while the sinuses were a problem, they weren't THE problem, and weren't the cause of the pain.
At least I'm done with surgery now, the heart thing doesn't require any surgery and the plan is to find the right medications to manage the pain. Not that said search is going all that well.
I'm trying to get back in the swing of things - exercise, even though my energy level is nil and I'm feeling crappy, but hey, the endorphins could help, right?
I only wish SOMETHING were working right.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
So.... Surgery
Today, I finished up the remaining secondaries I have, though no excitement for it. Being rejected from Wake Forest before getting a secondary was part of it. Knowing you're not good enough even to pay them a secondary app fee kinda hurts. more so, though, is knowing that tomorrow, I'm going to have surgery once again. After 4 eye surgeries, wisdom teeth removal, and having my gallbladder removed just last summer, I think I've got surgery fatigue. Funnily enough, I've appreciate today's pain just knowing tomorrow is going to be waaay worse. The continuous sinus pain sucks, but for the next three days I'm not allowed to move. At least I'll have decent painkillers - one of the rules for surgery is no NSAIDs for the 10 days before, and tylenol just doesn't cut it.
I'm getting more nervous as the time approaches. I'm putting my life in the hands of near strangers and hoping that the end result will be an improvement on the current situation. I can't really think of an alternative: sinus pain since march is not acceptable, but I doubt I'm going to be thinking that by Friday.
After talking to Bonnie yesterday, I've been thinking about how last summer compares to this one. Aside from the surgery, it feels entirely different. Post-graduation and unemployment makes me feel really aimless, and I despise not having something to do, dammit. Also, since Bonnie was here last summer, I miss hanging out and seeing things like this:
Fond memories from the poetry slam at the Mercury Cafe. my phone only does 15 second clips, so the clips aren't too great, but seeing them still makes me smile.
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