Nightmares

I had my first big anatomy exam a week ago today. It takes quite a bit of stamina to spend all morning doing the practical and still have the energy and willpower to get through the written in the afternoon. Studying for med school is tough at the best of times, and I can tell you that dealing with chronic pain doesn't make it any easier - more so when the pain is aggravated by stress. I finally managed to get into full study mode for the week of the test, which is why when I looked at my grade yesterday I actually saw two passing grades (high pass on the practical, actually - completely shocked me). We had such a long stretch without a break, that I was feeling quite burnt out and unmotivated most of this unit, so I had fully expected to perform poorly, but somehow I managed to pull it out. Having something to look forward to really put in that motivation toward the end- December 20th was one of my best friend's wedding, and I got a really pretty bridesmaid dress for it and everything.

Unfortunately, this particular friend has a history with being the embodiment of Murphy's Law. So I don't know why I was so surprised to hear friday afternoon of the horrible blizzard on the east coast. I saw the next day that my flight was cancelled, and after 45 minutes on the phone with northwest having been told the earliest they could get me in was monday, I was determined to nevertheless get there somehow. I had promised, and it just couldn't be real if I wasn't there. Amtrak was sold out, so I bought a ticket on a bus. It was scheduled to get in early in the morning, but I figured it was okay because the wedding was in the afternoon, and maybe the snow would be cleared up by morning. Sadly, I arrived in Cleveland to discover I couldn't take a bus anywhere past Pittsburgh, and the Baltimore station was closed until further notice. I luckily had some med school friends in Cleveland and so had a place to spend the night; We were up until 2 am trying to find alternate routes. No buses would get there in time, and when i decided to take a flight and get there Sunday night so I could make it to monday night sheva brachos, the flight got cancelled before I could even get the ticket.

I took a bus from Cleveland Sunday afternoon - back to Toledo. Wishing desperately to be going the other direction, to be able to walk into the wedding, even in my sweatshirt and sweatpants and be there for any part of it, I would have given anything. It absolutely kills me that I did everything I could and still failed. It never occurred to me this could happen and I wouldn't be there at all. It was inconceivable, and yet there I was, on a bus, going the wrong direction. Every song on my ipod was about friendship or love, or even weddings, and would bring it all back again.

I came back to a cold empty house, on the night I really needed a literal shoulder to cry on, but of course the people I normally call to talk when everything is going wrong - at the wedding. I know I did everything I could, and that she'd do the same for me, but I still feel like a failure and a horrible friend since even everything wasn't enough. Already physically and mentally exhausted from the anatomy exam, I was now emotionally exhausted, too, I couldn't even manage to cry anymore.

And now, I'm home with my family, where I still feel rather alone. Alone by myself, and still alone in a crowd seems to be the story of my life.

one plus - I gots a Kitty! :)