I can do this

Looking at most of my previous posts, especially the most recent ones,I can see that they're very negative, depressing, self pitying,endless pit of despair, etc. I'm not going to take them down because they are true to how I felt at the time. I just feel that it's necessary to say that I don't feel like that all of the time. It's just that it is times like those that I most feel the need to get out all the things I feel I need to say but can't bring myself to say out loud.

Pain is scary. Chronic pain is a whole different animal. It has changed my life completely, and certainly not for the better. Friends and classmates frequently tell me "I don't think I could deal with that."
Honestly, I don't either, but when I say that, they often reply. "well you do, because you have to."
And that's the most difficult part. No breaks. No choice. I can deal with this day by day and I do. I'm still not sure how.

Weirdly enough, it reminds me of how people often respond when I tell them I'm a vegetarian - "Oh, I could never do that."
What am I supposed to say to that?
Honestly, I don't care if you're vegetarian or not. I do it for myself, not to show the world that I have the willpower to do so. Honestly, after the first year or so, it became easier to be vegetarian than it would to not be. I do it because it's part of who and what I am now and can't bring myself to be any different.
However easy the choice may be though, it is still entirely my choice.

The pain, obviously, is not my choice, but how I wish it were something I could give up, think through or past, and toss aside. It's kind of sick but I find myself wishing there were some kind of scan or test that my doctor wuld do that would finally come up positive
- Oh, you're vegetarian? Let me check your B12 levels.
- Hey, it all started with an infection, what if it's autoimmune - check out this antibody titer.
- Let's do this MRI with contrast, Oh here's a small tumor we missed.
(That's right, I found myself wishing for a tumor)
But at least that would mean there was something I could do.
ANSWERS.
TREATMENTS.
or even if there was no cure for whatever it was, having a real diagnosis would be so much more satisfying than being told it's some permutation of chronic headache syndrome.